Loquacious Magpies

Dear Tara,

When I moved down to Georgia, I left everyone and everything I knew behind. It was something I had to do, regardless of how I felt about it.  It was what was best for me and Don.  But I thought it was going to be the hardest thing I would ever have to do.  But I took a deep breath and accepted it.  When Don went to work five days a week, leaving me alone in the house, without a car, without a friend, I thought I would very well fall apart.  And at first I did.  I was so lonely.  I would leave the television on in the house, loud enough to be heard from every room.  I would watch re-run television shows, just so I could hear familiar voices, and try to feel like I had company. Out of my big bay window, I would actually just stare at my neighbors comings and goings, at the birds, and the clouds go by. I wasn’t depressed, like you see from those anti-depressant commercials. I just missed you, and my family, and my mom.  I felt like a little girl again who was away from all that was familiar and desperately just wanted to go home. Home to the loving arms of my mother, who could take it all away.

But you know what ended up happening?  When I sat alone for hours in my home, listening to the sounds of my home, I started to hear something else.  Someone else.  At first, I was terrified to listen.  But then it became easier and easier.  It was myself.  The messages that I had been playing over and over in my mind.  The doubts, the fears, the resentments, the jealousies, the pains that I had held inside for so many years, and “just dealt with” were finally coming to the surface.  I couldn’t drown them out anymore with my normal busy life.  They were there everyday, in every way.  I could not longer avoid them.  I had to listen.

But again, another strange thing happened.  The more I listened, the quieter the messages became.  Soon, I could hear the real silence in my home and I enjoyed it.  It allowed me to find peace within me.  I could now really begin to hear myself, find out who I have become without outside pressure, guilt or need to please anyone.  I could have a great day, just because I decided it to be.  I could cry remembering a sad memory, and not feel guilty that I wasn’t being strong, or that I would sadden someone else.  I could just be me.  No strings.  No guilt.  No people pleasing.

Through the silence, I truly found myself.  I found that I love reading, I love running and walking and biking. I love cooking.  I love knitting, scrapbooking, and singing.  I even became a civil war buff.  But most importantly, I heard a little voice inside me with the key to truly open my heart.  The voice reminded me that I wanted to be a mother.  It was a voice that was completely muffled, nearly indistinguishable. But soon, it was undeniable.  I had always wanted a little baby in my life.  Such a big question in life that was so easily answered. I had found a treasure within the silence.  All I had to do was listen to the message buried deep within my heart….

Love Thyself.

Enjoy your silence.  I can’t wait to hear what you hear.

Forever your Friend,

Bess