Loquacious Magpies

Dear Bess,
For so long I have run away from the silence at top speed. I have filled my life with more than it could take, in an effort to escape being alone with my own thoughts. I see that now. In the beginning, when I bought a house, I decided fixing it up in every spare minute was more important than taking time for myself and what I needed. Then, when the house was fixed and the silence was moving in, I decided I wanted to start a family. I wanted a child of my own, but honestly, I also wanted something to keep me busy and moving so that I didn’t have time to be alone. Then I repeated the cycle. I bought a new house to fix up and had another child. I had a wonderful house and beautiful family, but I also had avoided ever having the time to do some real soul searching.
Then you moved away. I saw firsthand the transformation that happened in you. I watched as you moved from being the Bess who made sure everyone else was happy, to the Bess who figured out what made herself happy, and did it. I envied how peaceful and happy you were. I wondered why I couldn’t just be like that too. What was I doing wrong? How was I going to fix myself?
And again, I became pregnant. But something different happened this time. As I watched you beam during your pregnancy with Elizabeth and talked to you for endless hours on the phone, this pregnancy became about me. It was an opportunity to take care of myself and get to know myself better. I didn’t avoid being alone anymore, in fact I enjoyed it. It was the beginning.
And now, step two is not just enjoying when I actually get a minute alone, but navigating my life in such a way that I make time alone a priority in my life. I allow myself that time to myself without feeling guilty that I’m taking time from my daughters or husband or family. Don’t get me wrong, I know it’s a work in progress. But I am happy to say that I am finally making progress. I am looking for ways to have time to myself and I am looking my fear in the face. I am allowing myself to think about all those thoughts I’ve tried to avoid. And the more I do it, the easier it gets. Thank you for reminding me and cheering me on.
Forever Your Friend,
Tara